OH MY GOD... SOMEBODY STOP THEM. ANYONE. PLEASE.

And, from the "too bizarre to not be true" file: Spiderman: The Broadway Show.

No, I'm not kidding.

No, I did not do a mock up.

Yes, I'm serious.

No, I have no idea what they were thinking.

This... this... MONSTROSITY will premeire on February 18th, 2010.

The following was posted on the Marvel.com website:
"Mark your calendars now, thwippers, “Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark” opens on Thursday, February 18, 2010 at Broadway’s Hilton Theatre, 213 West 42nd Street. And some lucky Broadway goers will get to see the show when preview performances begin Saturday, January 16, 2010."

Thwippers? Did they ACTUALLY call people 'thwippers'? My God, it sounds like Elmer Fudd in a strip joint.

I knew that Marvel was a shameless company always looking for it's next cash grab, but a Spider-Man MUSICAL? On Broadway?

Really?

It made sense for the Lion King and Beauty and The Beast... cause... ya know... they were ALREADY musicals.

But Spider-Man?

Really? (Thwippers?)

This is a... a... a...

Really?

Ok, deep breath.

Does anyone else remember the old "Spider-Man Rockomic"?

I do. I listened to is fondly when i was seven.

And stopped listening to it when I was... like... nine.

I'm not too sure I get this. You see, for the most part Superheroes are aimed towards younger kids. Yes, both boys and girls, but on average many mainstream comic books and superheroes are looking to grab the attention of boys.

And of course, the fanboy adults that read comics as kids and continue to do so. I mean, most comics these days are more geared towards adults than kids anyway.

What I'm trying to do, however, is see where a Broadway musical motiff works into that aim.

I'm already cringing at the thought of the song lyrics:
"Power and responsibility!
That's the most important thing for me!
I will stop the villain YOU WILL SEE!
Because I have power and responsibility!"

Nice right?

NO IT'S NOT! I came up with that in 12 seconds. AND ODDS ARE THERE WILL BE A VERY SIMULAR SET OF LYRICS SOMEWHERE IN THIS THING!

Oh God, now it's stuck in my head.

For pete's sake (heh... pete... Peter Parker. Get it? It's a pun. Spider-Man's real na... OH FORGET IT) Marvel can't get a lousy Saturday morning Cartoon right... they're going to get a BROADWAY MUSICAL to fly?

What's the demographic for this thing?

(Thwippers?)

Ok, Bono and The Edge are doing the music and lyrics it shouldn't be as bad as my lyric sample above... but... I just can't wrap my head around this.

There's going to be a Dance/fight scene. I know it. I KNOW IT!

Imagine the "knife fight" from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video, only have it between Spider-Man and The Green Goblin. Or the "fight scene" from West Side Story. Great. Spider-Man will come down an alley snapping his fingers and sccidentally spray web fluid all over the place. Cue the "Wah, wah, wah" trumpet and the canned laughter.

Oh God.

(Thwippers? Really?)

*SIGH*

This is a bad idea. It's going to be a train wreck. I know it. Remember Twilight Express or Legs Diamond (and why the hell do I know about either one of those? John C is our resident broadway expert...)? Well, this is going to make both of them look like Les Miserables. I just know it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this will be ok. Some cool music from Bono and the Edge... maybe an actor who can pull off the Superhero/dance and sing thing like Hugh Jackman can... some non-cheesy special effects, a good script... it could be ok... right?

Right?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

OH GOD... IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS.

Do you know why the Spider-Man movies worked? Why the first two X-Men flicks were so good? Why Batman Begins and The Dark Knight were so amazing? Why Iron Man was great?

Because they were done by people who understood the characters, the mood and had an ability to balance taking itself seriously but with the right amount of realism and humor to keep from being stuffy or campy.

What are the odds that a Broadway producer/director will go in that sort of direction? Well... I honestly don't know. Like I said above, John Castro is the broadway expert. Not me. I'll have to ask him what he thinks. However, I think the odds are not too good that we'll avoid the glitter and pomp and circumstance of a big time flashy, Broadway scene.

And then it'll be more like Catwoman or Steel than Spider-Man the movie.

So, lock the doors, put out the cat, get the kids in bed...

Spider-Man is coming to broadway. God help us all.

And I STILL have that stupid song stuck in my head!

WHAT I'M READING (COMICS)

So what are you lot reading these days?I'm still looking to cut down on my pull list... but I've been spending a lot of moolah on comis... despite not really being able to afford to do so. Thank God I don't smoke, drink or gamble (too much).

My pull list:

DC (every month)
Booster Gold
Justice League of America
JSA
The Flash
Teen Titans
Nightwing
Green Lantern
Blue Beetle
The New Atom
Checkmate
Batman and the Outsiders

Booster Gold, JSA and Green Lantern have been excellent. JLA and been hot and cold. The Flash and Nightwing have been very uneven. Blue Beetle has been very good, but the Atom is losing steam for me. Checkmate is good more often than it's not. Outsiders is a strange book.. I WANT to like it... and it's not bad... but the jury is still out on it.

DC (Event Books and Tie Ins)
Final Crisis and it's various tie ins
DC Universe #0

Yeah I plan on getting them all (for the most part). Hard to say how this will be. DC Universe was very good. reminded me of a set of trailers before movies. Very interesting. And the "return" of a particular character is kind of huge.

DC (on occasion, depending on the storyline or just started and I'm giving it a try)
Action Comics
Batman
The Titans
Rann/Thangar: Holy War
Supergirl
Brave and Bold
Death of the New Gods

The Whole Legion storyline in Action has been excellent. I've been picking up some of Morrision's Batman... but plan on getting the whole BATMAN: R.I.P. storyline. Issue #1 of The Titans was VERY uneven... I like the idea of the book, but it needs to be better for me to continue with it. I was surprised to find out in 52 that I seriously liked the dynamic with Adam Strange/Animal Man/Starfire so I wound up trying (and getting all issues of) Countdown to Adventure. I'm normally not into the space epic books, but I'm giving this one a shot and the first issue was pretty good. Supergirl is a book I WANT to buy. I LOVE the character.. however, DC STILL has no idea how to handle her. It's been VERY hit and miss with more misses than hits. Brave and Bold should be a book I'm buying. the art is great and the story is fairly fun... but it just hasn't been grabbing me enough to keep buying it. Death of the New Gods... was ... well... HORRIBLE. Gave up on it fairly early. LOUSY concept. LOUSY execution (no pun intended). LOUSY everything. Big Barda and Scott Free deserved better than this.

DC (Mini-Series I WAS buying until they ended)
Countdown
Suicide Squad
Salvation Run
Countdown to Adventure
Black Adam: The Dark Age

Countdown was, for the most part, not that great. Very uneven... spirialed into too many directions like it didn't know what it wanted to be. It had some excellent issues (especially the two issue "Great Disaster from Buddy Blank's point of view" arc) but was more miss than hit. It WANTED to be 52... but was not. Suicide Squad was pretty decent... not great... but an enjoyable read. Salvation Run was a disapointment, but wasn't too bad either. I expected a little more from it. Countdown to Advanture was a huge surpirse. I didn't think I would like it as much as I did, although the Forerunner backup story just left me cold. Black Adam was EXCELLENT. I hear it may become an ongoing. If it does I am there.

Marvel (Every Month)
Ultimate Spider-Man
Amazing Spider-Man
Thunderbolts
Iron Fist
New Avengers
Mighty Avengers
Capt America
The Hulk
The Twelve
Dark Tower: The Long Road Home

Ultimate Spider-Man, Iron Fist and The Twelve are solid as they come. Capt America has been very good also. I'm enjoying the two Avengers books for the most part. I'm reading the Hulk until the reveal just who he is (I have my suspicions) and most likely will drop it after that. Thunderbolts has been hit and miss lately. Spider-Man... well... I don;t know how to classify it. It hasn't been HORRIBLE... but the last two storylines were pretty weak... and I'm still having an issue with the whole "One More Day" thing. I have NEVER stopped buying Spider-Man in the last 30 years as long as I was buying comics overall... I'm not ready to stop yet... but it MUST get better. Teh Dark Tower has been decnet... but as a huge fan of the books this particular storyline seems... well... wrong to me.

Marvel (Event Books and Tie ins)
Secret Invasion
Spider-Man: Secret Invasion

I loved the idea behind this event.. but the 2nd issue was not overly good. I hope it picks up. I plan to avoid a majority of the tie ins here. Frontline is just a rehash (in my opinion) of the actual event itself with Ben Urich thrown in running around in danger. I'll pass.

Marvel (on occasion, depending on the storyline, just started and I'm giving it a try, or once tried it and I'm done)
Avengers: The Inititive
The Last Defenders
Marvel: 1985
Astonishing X-Men
Exiles
Kick-Ass

The Inititive has been ok... not bad... not great. But I think I'm done with it. Same with Last Defenders. I'm giving 1985 a shot... but a short leash. Astonishing was very good at one point but the current world breaker plot has toiled WAY too long. I'm done at the end of this arc. As for Exiles... I bought this book for years. I LOVED the concept. However..it's so conviluted and soap operaish now it's a shell of it's former self... plus the fact that almost every new character in the book is boring as hell. The fun has seeped out of this title. I gave up on it a while ago. Kick Ass has been decent so far... but not world breaking like Miller wants everone to think.

Image (Every Month)
Invincible
Walking Dead

Two great books (both by Kirkman). Invincible is just about the best book out in comics today.

Dynamite (Every Month)
The Boys

I can't help it. This book is too wild not to enjoy. Crazy stuff.

Overall the BEST books out there right now are Booster Gold, Ultimate Spider-Man and Invincible.

How about you?

STARTED UP A 'BRAND NEW DAY'

I've pretty much stayed away from many chances to comment on the whole Spider-Man ONE MORE DAY/BRAND NEW DAY controversy. However, after reading so much about it I decided to take a little stab at some of the issues I have with the direction Marvel (and mainly Joe Quesada) has decided to take the character in.

I promise this is NOT a mindless rant. There are no barbs, insults, nasty things or comments tossed at anyone. No quarter is taken with anyone in a not-nice manner. Really.

No... really. I swear.

So, one of the things I have heard (read) pounded in at everyone was that the main thing about the series direction is that (and I quote Tom Brevoort here, but I've heard Joe Q and other's say it also) "Spider-Man is about Peter Parker"

Ok, I'm 37, and was a big Spidey fan back in the 70s and 80s before his wedding to Mary-Jane, so it's not like an unmarried Peter is totally foreign to me.

In his "manifesto" in the back of SWING SHIFT: DIRECTORS CUT, Tom presents an arguement that Spider-Man is not the main character here, that Peter Parker is, and that being Spider-Man is just one aspect of the ongoing soap opera of his life. I recently read a well written post on http://www.comicboards.com/smb/ by a guy named JC (No other info on his name was available) that "Ultimate Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 both get this mix right, with money worries, girl troubles and the pressures of Spidey intruding on Peter’s life." JC went on to say that he "absolutely agree(s) with Tom and think this is something which sets Peter Parker apart from Captain America, Iron Man, Superman, Batman and loads of other super-heroes. Peter is genuinely Peter Parker, with Spider-Man as a mask he puts on – both a release and a burden at the same time. Recent Spidey comics have neglected Peter Parker and his life, instead focusing on Spider-Man (joining the New Avengers and living in the Avengers tower was the most obvious example of this)."

I won't disagree that Peter Parker should be the "main identity" and Spider-Man should come second. However, I has to disagree with any notion that states that is what is happening here.

With the reversal of Peter's marriage Marvel is looking to return the status of Spider-Man to a 'younger" and "more accesable" version.

"Wait!" you say. "Spider-man isn't married anymore? He got divorced?"

No, he did not. Spider-man was never married now.

"Hold it!" you shout. "I saw the 'wedding' at Shea Stadium back in the 80s! I read the issue! He's been married for over twenty-years!"

Uh... well.. yeah, you're right... but...

"But WHAT?" You ask.

OK, side bar... Here's a quick summary for those of you not in the know:

Peter Parker revealed to the whole world that he was Spider-Man as part of his support of a new Super-Hero Registration Act passed by the U.S. Government. Peter later regretted it his support of this bill and decided to ally himself with the band of Super-Hero "rebels" who were against and fighting the Registration Act. Since the world now knew Peter was Spider-Man, one of his older Villains (The Kingpin) hired a hitman to assinate Peter (or anyone close to him if he couldn't get Peter himself). The hitman shot at Peter , but instead the rifle shot hit Peter's Aunt May. May was on life-support and her body could not handle the trauma on her body caused by the shot. Peter tried getting help from everyone he could think of, but had no luck. She was going to die no matter what Peter or anyone else did for her. So, along comes Satan. Yes, Satan. Why did the devil come a'callin? Why, not? So Satan (called Mephisto in the Marvel Universe) approachd Peter and Mary-Jane and told them that he would save May's life, if they would give up their marriage as if it never happened. Sound weird? Yeah to a lot of us too. Bizarrely though, in a four-part story titled ONE MORE DAY, they agree to the devil's terms and a good chunk of their lives are erased from memory, including their marriage, the entire world's knowledge of Spider-Man's secret ID (including even his friends) and his 'organic web-shooters' being gone and him going back to his old mechinical ones. No one will remember that Peter and Mary-Jane were ever married and other parts of their lives will not be remembered... as if it never happened. The change also brought back to life a previous dead character in Peter's best friend Harry Osborn, who died as the 2nd Green Goblin. Why? Who knows. The Devil works in mysterous ways. Oh wait... that's The Lord actually. Well... I don't know then. Don't look at me, it wasn't MY idea. In any case, are we caught up? Yeah? Good. Let's move on.

Peter is also removed from being a teacher (which is what he was doing before he gave up his secret ID to the world but that wouldn't have matter now that his ID WAS a secret again thanks to to the Devil's actions). It seems that as part of this 'revamp" Peter canned be married, or hold a regular job and is basically universally 25 years old.

He's also living in his Aunt's house again cause he has no money and no job. Thus starts BRAND NEW DAY, which is the introduction of the new Status quo for Spider-Man. This storyline is running through the only Spider-Man title left: Amazing Spider-Man which now is published three times a month and is the only ongoing Spider-Man title (if you don't count Ultimate Spider-Man but that's a whole different Universe) left.

So, back to the revelations about Spider-Man... the BIG one, remember is that (and again I quote): "Spider-Man is about Peter Parker."

The problem is this: Tom Brevoort, Joe Quesada, Marvel and just about everyone else completely contridicts themselves here.

Spider-Man is about Peter Parker right? Well, if so, then why does Peter's life basically have to shoe-horn into a very restricting status-quo?

So I'm supposed to believe that a guy could overcome just about every single adversary in his superhero career, including ones that he was so far over his head that he really had no business succeeding in, but he can't figure out how to keep a job?I'm suppossed to accept the fact that despite the fact that Military Personel, Policemen and Women, Firefighters, Public Figures such as politicians, professional athletes and movie/music/TV stars all are able to have and develop serious ongoing relationships that result in marriage, that Peter cannot?

I'm supposed to believe that the guy can't learn from his mistakes? Cause he's making the same ones he was making over and over again. Basically, what Joe Q (and Tom B to an extention) is saying is... Peter is a loser, even though Spider-Man wins most of his battles.

Now before anyone says "No one has said that!"... think about it...

What would you call a guy who cannot keep a job, never has any money, keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, and cannot take a relationship past a particular level? Most people would pretty much call that person a loser... which is pretty much what Joe Q has stated he feels Peter should be .

I have an issue with this. We're suppossed to be able to identify with Peter. He has money issues, and relationship woes, and job issues and all that. Well, hey... I have a full time job (and have never really had a problem holding onto one). I have a wife (and kids) and a great relationship. However, I have have money issues, and relationship woes and job issues.

The age thing? I have no problem with Peter being universally "25" (although I think 27 is a better age seeing how much he's supposed to have been through). The age issue isn't a big deal. However I get the feeling the ONLY reason to have him as 25 is to use the "I'm too young to get married!" excuse.

You can argue all you want that keeping Spider-Man young is the way to get young readers. However, I hate to break this to the powers that be, but most of the YOUNGER (ie: seven years old through say... sixteen years old) couldn't care LESS about Peter being 25 or 27 or 42... and they couldn't care LESS about him being single or holding a job or whatever. They read Spider-Man for the scenes of SPIDER-MAN. Hech, my oldest son, Patrick, is 13. His favorite comic book are Ultimate Spider-Man and Amazing Spider-Man. HE'S pissed that the marriage has been undone. Heck, as a thirteen year old, he's never known Spidey to NOT be married. He knows that even the progression of the (VERY popular and successful) movies makes sure that Peter and Mary Jane's relationship is just about he most important aspect of Peter.

Now most of the OLDER readers (ie: say Eighteen though... say.... Eighty-Five and beyond)... THEY care about Peter's personal life as much as Spider-Man's exploits. However, just how many of them want to see Peter taking that backwards step that he's taken... I don't know there are many.

Another thing I have heard is that the last twenty years of marriage and status quo should not be held onto just for the sake of keeping continuity. I get a kick out of every time I hear something like "continuity is less important than good stories". Everyone loves to kill continuity when they don't like the direction, but hell... without continuity (and new writers STICKING to previously based continuity) things become mash-mashed and hard to follow. Continuity is only as good as the editors and editorial mandates that protect it. Most of the time it's the LACK of good editing that leads to broken continuity and someone having to then go and "fix" problems that usually cause MORE problems than is fixed.

So, yeah it's obvious that I'm on the outs with the direction that Spider-Man has headed into. The road to get here was so "un-Spiderman like" that I still have issues accepting it. The entire thing reeks of Joe Q's insistance that HIS Spider-Man be the only Spider-Man out there, despite the fact we already HAD that Spider-Man in the Ultimate line. Yes, I'm jumping all over JoeQ for this, he has been very vocal over the years that he hated the fact Spider-Man was married. The funny thing is, that much of the things that were undone with this new Status quo is stuff that all happened upder Joe Q's watch! And his pointless and INCORRECT assertation that if we want to see a married Spider-Man we should be reading Spider-Girl would only make sense if Peter was the MAIN CHARACTER of that title... which he is NOT.

I'm giving BRAND NEW DAY a chance. I like Dan Slott as a writer. I like Steve McNiven's and Phil Jiminez's art a lot. I think the '3 times a month' format and the 'only one Spider-Man title' ideas are great. So far, I have not disliked the stories (Five issues have come out so far as of the writing of this blog)... but I will admit there are some big distractions with the 'Harry alive' situation and the reversal of everything I've known about Peter for the last twenty years.

I also wonder, has anyone (characters in the comics I mean) even realized that they suddenly don't know Spider-Man's secret ID but they once did? Wolverine, Norman Osborn and Daredevil just to name a few? How about the New Avengers? Spidey is on a team with them... they knew who he was.

The feel of these issues so far has been that of the older PETER PARKER: THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN issues from the early 1980s. The stories haven't been bad at all (and the art has been good) but things feel over done to me. They keep pushing the fact Peter has no money and the old "Parker luck" (ie: REALLY BAD LUCK) is referenced way too much. Plus, once again Aunt May has managed to get herself involved (unknowingly of course) with a Super villian. What a shock. It's a wonder she's survived all of these years.

Wait... maybe she hasn't. Maybe May has died a NUMBER of times.

Maybe the devil has done this before and we all just forgot it.

Oh God.

In the end though... don't tell me Spider-Man is ALL ABOUT Peter Parker if you are THEN going to tell me that Peter will NEVER CHANGE OR GROW. That means that Peter Parker is just an aspect of Spider-Man... like a web-shooter... that is there cause it's expected, but will not really hold any effect on the series, since we know he cannot become anything more than he already is.